My depression resonates…

18 years and 7 months ago, on a Thursday
The 4th of August 2005, to be precise

… with Adrian Belew’s last album, called Side Two.

Yes, it’s strange because it’s not something I would normally listen to very often, at times it gets too experimental for my lack of patience and mood.

But this particular song (track number 7: Quicksand) caught my attention, as it almost summarizes my life for the past few years in these lines (Note: this is my transcription and it may well be inaccurate. I just couldn’t find the lyrics anywhere.):

Sometimes I’m paralysed
The life is speeding by
I never seem to get anywhere
No matter how hard I try

Last time when this happened to me (and I’m talking about resonation here) was during a very unhappy period, I think there are three years since then already.

I was extremely depressed, almost suicidal. I felt like screaming my lungs out every fucking minute of the day, but this is not an appropriate conduct from a young man in society. So instead it seemed the music of Radiohead screamed my pain for me, and it really was the only thing I could (or would) listen for a few months in a row. It turned out that it wasn’t such a great idea in the end. Firstly because nobody seamed to understand what I was going through just by my choice of music, although I thought it was plain to see. It was this strange, unexplained resonation I feel again now, and apparently nobody else around me experiences — or at least not at the same time and for the same music.

That was the period I took many of the worst decisions of my entire life (if only to mention breaking up with the one and only person that actually cared for me and that eventually — and surprisingly, considering what a monumental jerk I was and still am at times — became my wife, after a relationship of maybe ten years).

Note to self: wouldn’t hurt if I could express my true deep feelings once in a while. Still something I’ll have to learn how to do, apparently. Thank you again, mom and dad, for the fucking divorce and the complete lack of mind and maturity in dealing with it afterwards.

Getting back to Mr. Belew, as much as I enjoy his album, I’ll have to put it aside for now and wait for “lighter” moods. I’m really sorry, as I suspect it will seem that it has lost its magic after a while, just like it happened with Radiohead — which I still like and listen occasionally (not in the presence of my wife, mind you), but I just can’t help the feeling that something is missing. My complete lack of balance, maybe. Which might be a good thing actually, it could mean I’m still higher than rock-bottom.

But to keep me from doing something stupid again, I think it’s best to get back to old friends Obituary, Death, Pantera, Sepultura, or the recently discovered Six Feet Under and the likes.

It’s only metal that keeps me hanging, for the moment.

P.S. I have one question for mister Belew I forgot to tell you about. What’s with the fucking drum machine, man?!

Some of the best tracks use one (if not all, I couldn’t tell for sure on some), when a real drummer sweating on top of a real set would have been much more appropriate for a rock album, as experimental as it may be. Wouldn’t you agree?

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